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"Demented News" in Real Audio!
"Demented News" Reports in RealAudio!

UPDATED 12/14/08

Complete "Demented News" reports are STREAMING in RealAudio!
Here's an archive of requested favorites and recent reports.




THIS WEEK'S "DEMENTED NEWS" REPORT IS HERE!
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THE MOST REQUESTED "DEMENTED NEWS"! LISTEN!
Warning! It's a Whimsical Will tirade!!

ANOTHER RECENT "DEMENTED NEWS" LISTEN!
The oh-so-demented tale of dueling talking poo!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST LISTEN!
This one's for Roadrunner of San Diego, CA: Paramount sues author over book, "How to Have a Romantic Relationship with a 'Star Trek' Fan"; Klingon language lessons revisted; and a 9-year-old Whimsical Will voices the role of "Young Spock"!

"DEMENTED NEWS" FAVORITE! LISTEN!
Not one, but TWO (count 'em!) stories of exploding toilets and news of extended-life underwear with THREE (count 'em!) leg holes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST! LISTEN!
Dementoid Matt requested this report from April, 1995, which features a young Whimsical Will as "Christopher Robin"!

"DEMENTED NEWS" REQUEST! LISTEN!
Dementoid Deven Combs requested this report from 1998 on the changing value of pi!

REQUEST -- "ROCK RAP" LISTEN!
Okay, so it's not a "Demented News" report, but long-time Dementoid Benn Allen was kind enough to remember my "Rock Rap" from 1987 (which tells a twisted tale using more than 200 names of rock artists), so I thought I'd upload it here!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/5/08 LISTEN!
1/5/08: Man crowned fastest human calculator; woman knocks out husband with potato!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/12/08 LISTEN!
1/12/08: Entire beach stolen in Hungary; man in Santa hat and G-string arrested in Hollywood!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/19/08 LISTEN!
1/19/08: Granny panties put out fire; woman charged with wiping nose on cop's shirt!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 1/26/08 LISTEN!
1/26/08: Chocolate-fueled truck makes 2,600-mile trip; man mails bloody cow's head to wife's lover!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/2/08 LISTEN!
2/2/08: Boomerang comes back after 25 years; man sets house on fire after confusing gasoline for alcohol!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/9/08 LISTEN!
2/9/08: Man steals 93 pounds of women's underwear; woman finds mouse foot in jar of pickles, is told it's normal!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/16/08 LISTEN!
2/16/08: Man complains his blow-up doll lost its moan and deflates; all aboard the naked airlines!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 2/23/08 LISTEN!
2/23/08: Sheep circles on UK farm; remembering crop circles and rotating hedgehogs!

[No 3/1/08 "Demented News"]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/8/08 LISTEN!
3/8/08: Cockroaches in Turkmenistan TV newsroom; song for dogs that is inaudible to humans tops chart in New Zealand!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/15/08 LISTEN!
3/15/08: Pantless man repeatedly visits Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru; shoplifter caught with hanger still in stolen suit!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/23/08 LISTEN!
3/23/08: Residents not allowed to die in French village; clothes made from balloons!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 3/30/08 LISTEN!
3/30/08: Bear convicted of theft; psychic uses asparagus to tell fortunes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/6/08 LISTEN!
4/6/08: Russian police station evacuated over grandmother with purse full of hand grenades; Iowa cornfield theft!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/13/08 LISTEN!
4/13/08: New York man tries to pay water bill with toilet paper check; Memphis man sentenced to ten days per word!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/20/08 LISTEN!
4/20/08: Underwater ironing record flattened; court issues protection order for a duck!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 4/27/08 LISTEN!
4/27/08: UK radio station broadcasts nothing but birds singing; coffee made from cat droppings costs $100 per cup!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/4/08 LISTEN!
5/4/08: Texas man has alligator as passenger; Bulgarian farmer trades wife for goat!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/11/08 LISTEN!
5/11/08: Man eats ballot in Italy elections; remembering the Edible Ballot Society; UK church applies for liquor license!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 5/18/08 LISTEN!
5/18/08: D.C. man asks God for cheaper gas prices; Serbian beekeeper builds hives shaped like churches to save the insects' souls!

[The 5/25/08 "Demented News" was pre-empted to make way for my 23rd-annual summer movie adventure, "Hey Indy!"]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/1/08 LISTEN!
6/1/08: Iowa couple waves to everyone they see; Utah residents concerned about lack of civility!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/8/08 LISTEN!
6/8/08: Australian driver buckles in case of beer, leaves child on floor; New Orleans Burger King robbed by drag queen!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/15/08 LISTEN!
6/15/08: Washington coffee houses feature scantily-clad servers; Florida man sells ghosts in a bottle!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 6/22/08 LISTEN!
6/22/08: London bride-to-be postpones wedding over fear of vomiting; San Francisco woman marries Eiffel Tower!

[No 6/29/08 "Demented News"]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/6/08 LISTEN!
7/6/08: Monks chant CD helps cheese age at Austrian dairy farm; UK woman trapped in clothes dryer!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/13/08 LISTEN!
7/13/08: Cell phone recharges with dance power; UK boy obsessed with lawn mowers!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/20/08 LISTEN!
7/20/08: UK dentist sings opera, gets record deal; Mimi's beach report!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 7/27/08 LISTEN!
7/27/08: Woman calls police on guest who won't stop talking; CA woman tries to kill mice with gun!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/3/08 LISTEN!
8/3/08: UK retailer charges extra for large bras; octopi given Rubik's Cubes in dexterity test!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/10/08 LISTEN!
8/10/08 (report from 2003): "Meowlingual" translates cat sounds into human language; fight breaks out over wrong note in German orchestra!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/17/08 LISTEN!
8/17/08: New Zealand girl named "Talulah Does the Hula in Hawaii" changes moniker; man ejected from Atlantic City casino due to body odor!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/24/08 LISTEN!
8/24/08: UK grandfather brought out of coma upon hearing "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"; inflatable church on Italian beach!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 8/31/08 LISTEN!
8/31/08: Giant, inflatable dog turd runs amok outside Swiss museum; Man dressed in Winnie-the-Pooh costume arrested in Japan for attacking gawkers!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/7/08 LISTEN!
9/7/08: "Grammar Vigilantes" correct errors on public signs; NC man catches record-breaking catfish using daughter's Barbie fishing pole!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/14/08 LISTEN!
9/14/08: New Zealand kindergarten party shut down by authorities; Wisconsin woman pummels husband with tomatoes!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/21/08 LISTEN!
9/21/08: Cross-dressing purse snatcher drops fake breast at scene of crime; results of the annual Stiletto Heel Race!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 9/28/08 LISTEN!
9/28/08: Wisconsin man has eaten 23,000 Big Macs; Tooth Fairy is latest victim of credit crunch!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/5/08 LISTEN!
10/5/08: UK man hangs upside down to protest rising living costs; asphalt grooved to play "William Tell Overture" when car tires roll over it!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/12/08 LISTEN!
10/12/08: Nude skater on Oregon streets; fast-food junkies celebrate wedding with 42-pound cheeseburger!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 10/19/08 LISTEN!
10/19/08: Kansas gym's security cameras capture ghostly images; woman jailed for haunting Italian castle!

[No 10/26/08 "Demented News" report]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/2/08 LISTEN!
11/2/08: "Stayin' Alive" disco rhythm is ideal beat for CPR; Bee Gees lyrics compared to great literary works!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/9/08 LISTEN!
11/9/08: Astronomers record sounds of stars; most creative time of day is 10:04 p.m.!

[No 11/16/08 "Demented News" report]

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/23/08 LISTEN!
11/23/08: Vietnam lifts ban on small-busted drivers; Denmark artists create walking house!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 11/30/08 LISTEN!
11/30/08: At the mall during an economic crisis!

"DEMENTED NEWS" -- 12/7/08 LISTEN!
12/7/08: At Santa's Workshop during an economic crisis!


THIS WEEK'S "DEMENTED NEWS" -- 12/14/08 LISTEN!
12/14/08: It's my "Christmas Cut-Up" from 2002!



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